[The author sent for to court. The queen buys him of his master
the farmer, and presents him to the king. He disputes with his
majesty's great scholars. An apartment at court provided for the
author. He is in high favour with the queen. He stands up for the
honour of his own country. His quarrels with the queen's dwarf.]

The frequent labours I underwent every day, made, in a few weeks, a
very considerable change in my health: the more my master got by
me, the more insatiable he grew. I had quite lost my stomach, and
was almost reduced to a skeleton. The farmer observed it, and
concluding I must soon die, resolved to make as good a hand of me
as he could. While he was thus reasoning and resolving with
himself, a sardral, or gentleman-usher, came from court, commanding
my master to carry me immediately thither for the diversion of the
queen and her ladies. Some of the latter had already been to see
me, and reported strange things of my beauty, behaviour, and good
sense. Her majesty, and those who attended her, were beyond
measure delighted with my demeanour. I fell on my knees, and
begged the honour of kissing her imperial foot; but this gracious
princess held out her little finger towards me, after I was set on
the table, which I embraced in both my arms, and put the tip of it
with the utmost respect to my lip. She made me some general
questions about my country and my travels, which I answered as
distinctly, and in as few words as I could. She asked, "whether I
could be content to live at court?" I bowed down to the board of
the table, and humbly answered "that I was my master's slave: but,
if I were at my own disposal, I should be proud to devote my life
to her majesty's service." She then asked my master, "whether he
was willing to sell me at a good price?" He, who apprehended I
could not live a month, was ready enough to part with me, and
demanded a thousand pieces of gold, which were ordered him on the
spot, each piece being about the bigness of eight hundred moidores;
but allowing for the proportion of all things between that country
and Europe, and the high price of gold among them, was hardly so
great a sum as a thousand guineas would be in England. I then said
to the queen, "since I was now her majesty's most humble creature
and vassal, I must beg the favour, that Glumdalclitch, who had
always tended me with so much care and kindness, and understood to
do it so well, might be admitted into her service, and continue to
be my nurse and instructor."

Her majesty agreed to my petition, and easily got the farmer's
consent, who was glad enough to have his daughter preferred at
court, and the poor girl herself was not able to hide her joy. My
late master withdrew, bidding me farewell, and saying he had left
me in a good service; to which I replied not a word, only making
him a slight bow.

The queen observed my coldness; and, when the farmer was gone out
of the apartment, asked me the reason. I made bold to tell her
majesty, "that I owed no other obligation to my late master, than
his not dashing out the brains of a poor harmless creature, found
by chance in his fields: which obligation was amply recompensed,
by the gain he had made in showing me through half the kingdom, and
the price he had now sold me for. That the life I had since led
was laborious enough to kill an animal of ten times my strength.
That my health was much impaired, by the continual drudgery of
entertaining the rabble every hour of the day; and that, if my
master had not thought my life in danger, her majesty would not
have got so cheap a bargain. But as I was out of all fear of being
ill-treated under the protection of so great and good an empress,
the ornament of nature, the darling of the world, the delight of
her subjects, the phoenix of the creation, so I hoped my late
master's apprehensions would appear to be groundless; for I already
found my spirits revive, by the influence of her most august
presence."

This was the sum of my speech, delivered with great improprieties
and hesitation. The latter part was altogether framed in the style
peculiar to that people, whereof I learned some phrases from
Glumdalclitch, while she was carrying me to court.

The queen, giving great allowance for my defectiveness in speaking,
was, however, surprised at so much wit and good sense in so
diminutive an animal. She took me in her own hand, and carried me
to the king, who was then retired to his cabinet. His majesty, a
prince of much gravity and austere countenance, not well observing
my shape at first view, asked the queen after a cold manner "how
long it was since she grew fond of a splacnuck?" for such it seems
he took me to be, as I lay upon my breast in her majesty's right
hand. But this princess, who has an infinite deal of wit and
humour, set me gently on my feet upon the scrutoire, and commanded
me to give his majesty an account of myself, which I did in a very
few words: and Glumdalclitch who attended at the cabinet door, and
could not endure I should be out of her sight, being admitted,
confirmed all that had passed from my arrival at her father's
house.

The king, although he be as learned a person as any in his
dominions, had been educated in the study of philosophy, and
particularly mathematics; yet when he observed my shape exactly,
and saw me walk erect, before I began to speak, conceived I might
be a piece of clock-work (which is in that country arrived to a
very great perfection) contrived by some ingenious artist. But
when he heard my voice, and found what I delivered to be regular
and rational, he could not conceal his astonishment. He was by no
means satisfied with the relation I gave him of the manner I came
into his kingdom, but thought it a story concerted between
Glumdalclitch and her father, who had taught me a set of words to
make me sell at a better price. Upon this imagination, he put
several other questions to me, and still received rational answers:
no otherwise defective than by a foreign accent, and an imperfect
knowledge in the language, with some rustic phrases which I had
learned at the farmer's house, and did not suit the polite style of
a court.

His majesty sent for three great scholars, who were then in their
weekly waiting, according to the custom in that country. These
gentlemen, after they had a while examined my shape with much
nicety, were of different opinions concerning me. They all agreed
that I could not be produced according to the regular laws of
nature, because I was not framed with a capacity of preserving my
life, either by swiftness, or climbing of trees, or digging holes
in the earth. They observed by my teeth, which they viewed with
great exactness, that I was a carnivorous animal; yet most
quadrupeds being an overmatch for me, and field mice, with some
others, too nimble, they could not imagine how I should be able to
support myself, unless I fed upon snails and other insects, which
they offered, by many learned arguments, to evince that I could not
possibly do. One of these virtuosi seemed to think that I might be
an embryo, or abortive birth. But this opinion was rejected by the
other two, who observed my limbs to be perfect and finished; and
that I had lived several years, as it was manifest from my beard,
the stumps whereof they plainly discovered through a magnifying
glass. They would not allow me to be a dwarf, because my
littleness was beyond all degrees of comparison; for the queen's
favourite dwarf, the smallest ever known in that kingdom, was near
thirty feet high. After much debate, they concluded unanimously,
that I was only relplum scalcath, which is interpreted literally
lusus naturae; a determination exactly agreeable to the modern
philosophy of Europe, whose professors, disdaining the old evasion
of occult causes, whereby the followers of Aristotle endeavoured in
vain to disguise their ignorance, have invented this wonderful
solution of all difficulties, to the unspeakable advancement of
human knowledge.

After this decisive conclusion, I entreated to be heard a word or
two. I applied myself to the king, and assured his majesty, "that
I came from a country which abounded with several millions of both
sexes, and of my own stature; where the animals, trees, and houses,
were all in proportion, and where, by consequence, I might be as
able to defend myself, and to find sustenance, as any of his
majesty's subjects could do here; which I took for a full answer to
those gentlemen's arguments." To this they only replied with a
smile of contempt, saying, "that the farmer had instructed me very
well in my lesson." The king, who had a much better understanding,
dismissing his learned men, sent for the farmer, who by good
fortune was not yet gone out of town. Having therefore first
examined him privately, and then confronted him with me and the
young girl, his majesty began to think that what we told him might
possibly be true. He desired the queen to order that a particular
care should be taken of me; and was of opinion that Glumdalclitch
should still continue in her office of tending me, because he
observed we had a great affection for each other. A convenient
apartment was provided for her at court: she had a sort of
governess appointed to take care of her education, a maid to dress
her, and two other servants for menial offices; but the care of me
was wholly appropriated to herself. The queen commanded her own
cabinet-maker to contrive a box, that might serve me for a
bedchamber, after the model that Glumdalclitch and I should agree
upon. This man was a most ingenious artist, and according to my
direction, in three weeks finished for me a wooden chamber of
sixteen feet square, and twelve high, with sash-windows, a door,
and two closets, like a London bed-chamber. The board, that made
the ceiling, was to be lifted up and down by two hinges, to put in
a bed ready furnished by her majesty's upholsterer, which
Glumdalclitch took out every day to air, made it with her own
hands, and letting it down at night, locked up the roof over me. A
nice workman, who was famous for little curiosities, undertook to
make me two chairs, with backs and frames, of a substance not
unlike ivory, and two tables, with a cabinet to put my things in.
The room was quilted on all sides, as well as the floor and the
ceiling, to prevent any accident from the carelessness of those who
carried me, and to break the force of a jolt, when I went in a
coach. I desired a lock for my door, to prevent rats and mice from
coming in. The smith, after several attempts, made the smallest
that ever was seen among them, for I have known a larger at the
gate of a gentleman's house in England. I made a shift to keep the
key in a pocket of my own, fearing Glumdalclitch might lose it.
The queen likewise ordered the thinnest silks that could be gotten,
to make me clothes, not much thicker than an English blanket, very
cumbersome till I was accustomed to them. They were after the
fashion of the kingdom, partly resembling the Persian, and partly
the Chinese, and are a very grave and decent habit.

The queen became so fond of my company, that she could not dine
without me. I had a table placed upon the same at which her
majesty ate, just at her left elbow, and a chair to sit on.
Glumdalclitch stood on a stool on the floor near my table, to
assist and take care of me. I had an entire set of silver dishes
and plates, and other necessaries, which, in proportion to those of
the queen, were not much bigger than what I have seen in a London
toy-shop for the furniture of a baby-house: these my little nurse
kept in her pocket in a silver box, and gave me at meals as I
wanted them, always cleaning them herself. No person dined with
the queen but the two princesses royal, the eldest sixteen years
old, and the younger at that time thirteen and a month. Her
majesty used to put a bit of meat upon one of my dishes, out of
which I carved for myself, and her diversion was to see me eat in
miniature: for the queen (who had indeed but a weak stomach) took
up, at one mouthful, as much as a dozen English farmers could eat
at a meal, which to me was for some time a very nauseous sight.
She would craunch the wing of a lark, bones and all, between her
teeth, although it were nine times as large as that of a full-grown
turkey; and put a bit of bread into her mouth as big as two twelve-
penny loaves. She drank out of a golden cup, above a hogshead at a
draught. Her knives were twice as long as a scythe, set straight
upon the handle. The spoons, forks, and other instruments, were
all in the same proportion. I remember when Glumdalclitch carried
me, out of curiosity, to see some of the tables at court, where ten
or a dozen of those enormous knives and forks were lifted up
together, I thought I had never till then beheld so terrible a
sight.

It is the custom, that every Wednesday (which, as I have observed,
is their Sabbath) the king and queen, with the royal issue of both
sexes, dine together in the apartment of his majesty, to whom I was
now become a great favourite; and at these times, my little chair
and table were placed at his left hand, before one of the salt-
cellars. This prince took a pleasure in conversing with me,
inquiring into the manners, religion, laws, government, and
learning of Europe; wherein I gave him the best account I was able.
His apprehension was so clear, and his judgment so exact, that he
made very wise reflections and observations upon all I said. But I
confess, that, after I had been a little too copious in talking of
my own beloved country, of our trade and wars by sea and land, of
our schisms in religion, and parties in the state; the prejudices
of his education prevailed so far, that he could not forbear taking
me up in his right hand, and stroking me gently with the other,
after a hearty fit of laughing, asked me, "whether I was a whig or
tory?" Then turning to his first minister, who waited behind him
with a white staff, near as tall as the mainmast of the Royal
Sovereign, he observed "how contemptible a thing was human
grandeur, which could be mimicked by such diminutive insects as I:
and yet," says he, "I dare engage these creatures have their titles
and distinctions of honour; they contrive little nests and burrows,
that they call houses and cities; they make a figure in dress and
equipage; they love, they fight, they dispute, they cheat, they
betray!" And thus he continued on, while my colour came and went
several times, with indignation, to hear our noble country, the
mistress of arts and arms, the scourge of France, the arbitress of
Europe, the seat of virtue, piety, honour, and truth, the pride and
envy of the world, so contemptuously treated.

But as I was not in a condition to resent injuries, so upon mature
thoughts I began to doubt whether I was injured or no. For, after
having been accustomed several months to the sight and converse of
this people, and observed every object upon which I cast mine eyes
to be of proportionable magnitude, the horror I had at first
conceived from their bulk and aspect was so far worn off, that if I
had then beheld a company of English lords and ladies in their
finery and birth-day clothes, acting their several parts in the
most courtly manner of strutting, and bowing, and prating, to say
the truth, I should have been strongly tempted to laugh as much at
them as the king and his grandees did at me. Neither, indeed,
could I forbear smiling at myself, when the queen used to place me
upon her hand towards a looking-glass, by which both our persons
appeared before me in full view together; and there could be
nothing more ridiculous than the comparison; so that I really began
to imagine myself dwindled many degrees below my usual size.

Nothing angered and mortified me so much as the queen's dwarf; who
being of the lowest stature that was ever in that country (for I
verily think he was not full thirty feet high), became so insolent
at seeing a creature so much beneath him, that he would always
affect to swagger and look big as he passed by me in the queen's
antechamber, while I was standing on some table talking with the
lords or ladies of the court, and he seldom failed of a smart word
or two upon my littleness; against which I could only revenge
myself by calling him brother, challenging him to wrestle, and such
repartees as are usually in the mouths of court pages. One day, at
dinner, this malicious little cub was so nettled with something I
had said to him, that, raising himself upon the frame of her
majesty's chair, he took me up by the middle, as I was sitting
down, not thinking any harm, and let me drop into a large silver
bowl of cream, and then ran away as fast as he could. I fell over
head and ears, and, if I had not been a good swimmer, it might have
gone very hard with me; for Glumdalclitch in that instant happened
to be at the other end of the room, and the queen was in such a
fright, that she wanted presence of mind to assist me. But my
little nurse ran to my relief, and took me out, after I had
swallowed above a quart of cream. I was put to bed: however, I
received no other damage than the loss of a suit of clothes, which
was utterly spoiled. The dwarf was soundly whipt, and as a farther
punishment, forced to drink up the bowl of cream into which he had
thrown me: neither was he ever restored to favour; for soon after
the queen bestowed him on a lady of high quality, so that I saw him
no more, to my very great satisfaction; for I could not tell to
what extremities such a malicious urchin might have carried his
resentment.

He had before served me a scurvy trick, which set the queen a-
laughing, although at the same time she was heartily vexed, and
would have immediately cashiered him, if I had not been so generous
as to intercede. Her majesty had taken a marrow-bone upon her
plate, and, after knocking out the marrow, placed the bone again in
the dish erect, as it stood before; the dwarf, watching his
opportunity, while Glumdalclitch was gone to the side-board,
mounted the stool that she stood on to take care of me at meals,
took me up in both hands, and squeezing my legs together, wedged
them into the marrow bone above my waist, where I stuck for some
time, and made a very ridiculous figure. I believe it was near a
minute before any one knew what was become of me; for I thought it
below me to cry out. But, as princes seldom get their meat hot, my
legs were not scalded, only my stockings and breeches in a sad
condition. The dwarf, at my entreaty, had no other punishment than
a sound whipping.

I was frequently rallied by the queen upon account of my
fearfulness; and she used to ask me whether the people of my
country were as great cowards as myself? The occasion was this:
the kingdom is much pestered with flies in summer; and these odious
insects, each of them as big as a Dunstable lark, hardly gave me
any rest while I sat at dinner, with their continual humming and
buzzing about mine ears. They would sometimes alight upon my
victuals, and leave their loathsome excrement, or spawn behind,
which to me was very visible, though not to the natives of that
country, whose large optics were not so acute as mine, in viewing
smaller objects. Sometimes they would fix upon my nose, or
forehead, where they stung me to the quick, smelling very
offensively; and I could easily trace that viscous matter, which,
our naturalists tell us, enables those creatures to walk with their
feet upwards upon a ceiling. I had much ado to defend myself
against these detestable animals, and could not forbear starting
when they came on my face. It was the common practice of the
dwarf, to catch a number of these insects in his hand, as
schoolboys do among us, and let them out suddenly under my nose, on
purpose to frighten me, and divert the queen. My remedy was to cut
them in pieces with my knife, as they flew in the air, wherein my
dexterity was much admired.

I remember, one morning, when Glumdalclitch had set me in a box
upon a window, as she usually did in fair days to give me air (for
I durst not venture to let the box be hung on a nail out of the
window, as we do with cages in England), after I had lifted up one
of my sashes, and sat down at my table to eat a piece of sweet cake
for my breakfast, above twenty wasps, allured by the smell, came
flying into the room, humming louder than the drones of as many
bagpipes. Some of them seized my cake, and carried it piecemeal
away; others flew about my head and face, confounding me with the
noise, and putting me in the utmost terror of their stings.
However, I had the courage to rise and draw my hanger, and attack
them in the air. I dispatched four of them, but the rest got away,
and I presently shut my window. These insects were as large as
partridges: I took out their stings, found them an inch and a half
long, and as sharp as needles. I carefully preserved them all; and
having since shown them, with some other curiosities, in several
parts of Europe, upon my return to England I gave three of them to
Gresham College, and kept the fourth for myself.